So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
