how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
