saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize