No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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