Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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