I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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