well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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