i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
