i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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