I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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