He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
