Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
