Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It's shark week go big or go home
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
