Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
