I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
