yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
