Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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