Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
