Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
