I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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