hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
