I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
