I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
