I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
