Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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