I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
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Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
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If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Come on in and take your pants off
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