i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
