don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
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I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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