I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
