Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
