Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.