I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.