Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
we're so committed to being not committed
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
