I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
