I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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