Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
