Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
