i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
