Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Randomize
