I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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