Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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