i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Randomize
