remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
