Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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