She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
