Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I wish there were birth control emojis
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
