it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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