I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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