Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
