he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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