$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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