I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
