Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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