dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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